hi. i’m numb.

the past few days i’ve been searching for the right way to describe what life is like for me currently. lost, depressed, extremely anxious, and adrift all worked pretty well but honestly? i’m just numb.

i went to prom on saturday and everything was fine. i was all dressed up, wearing *gasp* makeup, with my hair curled and a really, really nice dress. one of my good theatre friends, let’s call him dan, had asked me, so i wound up in a group with him, a few other seniors, and my other good theatre friend whom i’ll be referring to as trevor. we were having a blast not gonna lie, even though the waitress spilled water across dan and i’s laps and we wound up in a larger group than we thought would be happening. the senior recognition ceremony was great, the food was delicious, and my theatre friends are ridiculous and hilarious so i wasn’t feeling lonely or having a bad time at all. quite the opposite actually.

so the clock winds around and it hits 11 pm, there are still people there but somewhat less, and dan, trevor, and i all begin to hit our introvert timing and leave the actual dance to go stand outside with our group. there’s talking, laughing, someone’s playing meme videos, and slowly but surely they all begin to realize there’s only an hour left and trickle back inside, leaving dan and i.

at this point in time i wasn’t feeling my best. i was tired, trevor was semi pissing me off, one of his friends (who’d shown up late and joined our group) was being an utter asshole to me as usual, and i didn’t really want to stay much longer but trevor was my ride and i had to wait for him. so dan and i start talking. now dan is an entj, he’s extremely blunt, quick-witted, and profound thinking and has always been far more similar to me than trevor has, although i get along well with both of them. the difference, as can be easily described, is that in a deep conversation, dan will listen and contribute whereas trevor will pull out his phone and pretend emotions don’t exist (which is odd considering he’s an infp).

on saturday night, i admitted more to dan than i’ve ever admitted to myself.

for as long as i can remember, i’ve been a creature of anxiety. as a little kid, i hated new people, i hid inside books and pretended i didn’t have to make friends or socialize. and honestly? nothing much has changed except for the extremity of it.

at this current moment in time, i function in life as a walking, living being of anxiety.

my body, mental health, friendships, etc is in shambles because of this.

i chew my nails beyond the quick and peel even gel nail polish off of them in as short as a day. i don’t get my periods except for once every 3-5 months at the least and most, which is caused by extreme stress and anxiety. i don’t eat sometimes, and not because i don’t like food (because quite the opposite). i don’t sleep the majority of the time and have extreme insomnia. i’ve started to realize that, oh hey! my hair is falling out (yay), and my skin is extremely dry and cracked and unhealthy even though i fucking moisturize kids it’s important. i have an extremely fast heartbeat for someone of my age, and i shake a lot, even when i haven’t had coffee in days. i’ve started breaking out, which for me is actually uncommon, and i have the most extreme and ridiculous mood swings half the time i don’t even know what i think.

i cry a lot guys. i cry in my car, backstage when everyone around is onstage, in my room, in the shower, sometimes with other people (but rarely for the same reason). and rarely do i actually know what i’m crying about, i just cry to cry and get it all out.

i’m an intp. we’re not supposed to be fucking emotional but honest to god you have no idea how deeply i really feel. i feel a lot like a klingon from star trek. if you don’t know anything about the show or the character spock, a klingon is a form of alien race who supposedly don’t feel emotions and rely entirely on logic. but if you truly understand them, you know that the klingon actually do feel emotions. they feel them so strongly that they are taught to suppress them otherwise their entire civilization and every one of their lives would be out of order, chaotic. don’t quote me on that explanation because i’m not a star trek expert i’ve just seen most of the movies but that’s as far as i understand and i think i did a pretty good job of explaining it.

a lot of the time, i feel like a klingon. i feel things so deeply and emotionally that half the time it physically hurts me to actually acknowledge these emotions. i suppress them, push them down, pretend they’re not there and just keep moving on in life, relying on my logic. and it’s fucking tiring.

i’m at the point in my life where i just can’t keep going the way i am.

when i was finished explaining a lot of what i’ve just said above (and more) to dan, he spent a full minute staring at me and holding his face in his hands. when he finally said something, he asked me “how are you still alive? i mean, how do you function like this? it can’t be healthy or natural and yet- this is all you’ve ever known.” and the answer? i don’t know. i don’t fucking know how i’m still alive or how i haven’t yet developed stomach ulcers (as far as i know) or how i’m still functioning well enough. and yet here i am.

for the past 11 years, as far back as i can remember even being the way i am- an anxious wreck- i’ve been just slightly off. there’s something wrong with me and i can’t quite figure out what. i feel like i’ve always been a different version of myself around each person i’ve met, interacted with, been friends with, etc. not even those of you who think you’ve seen the real version of me.

if you’ve interacted with me, if you’ve snapchatted me, skyped me, talked to me at all, i can personally guarantee that the person you were talking to was fully me. it honestly doesn’t matter how close i was to you or the things i’ve told you. i honest to god don’t know what type of person i am. i don’t know. identity has always been something i’ve struggled with, and as far as i’m aware the only thing i know about myself is my personality type. that’s the only thing i truly identify with. i’ve never been fully me or fully aware and conscious of everything i’m doing. i’ve struggled with ocd compulsions and intrusive thoughts, depression, anxiety, etc, etc. i’ve been through ups and downs and i always somehow manage to think that everything is okay. no matter what i go through, i always end up in an “everything is okay right now” phase. i’ve been in one of those phases for the past 6 months or so, being in this community and around these people. but something has always been off.

something is always just slightly off inside of me, and i don’t know how to fix it. i’ve gone through temporary fixes, sure. ups and downs of happiness and depression and happiness again. but no matter how happy i am or how long it lasts, there is always always this anxiety inside of me. it’s like it’s stuck inside of me and throws everything off balance and i don’t know how to behave or act or live as a human being because i’m just constantly, constantly worrying or stressing about something. it’s honestly inhuman.

so when i say i’m numb i mean it. dan asked me a question, a few minutes after he asked me how i was still existing, and i couldn’t answer. “when was the last time you were happy?”. i was thinking to myself, i’m happy a lot! i’m happy backstage, hanging out with friends, reading, being with my dog, texting bloggers, etc…

oh. am i really happy then? is that really happiness? maybe it is when i think about it and try to use it to justify myself as a living, existing being, but when i think back on it and really focus on my emotions, have i ever truly felt anything?

honestly? for the past year or so, i don’t think i’ve felt anything. i’ve been totally and completely numb, tricking my brain into thinking “yes that’s happiness”, “yes that’s sadness”, “yes that’s love”, “yes that’s *insert emotion here*”. but for the past year or so, have i really, honestly been experiencing those emotions? not really.

he also asked me if i could remember a time i’d ever been truly calm but that was pretty easy to answer. no. i don’t think i’ve ever been simply calm.

for the past year or so, i’ve been simply existing. not feeling much, not quite understanding what i’m really trying to accomplish in life or do or feel or say. just existing.

so hi. i’m numb. i’ve been this way for awhile. and i’m truly sorry if my existence this way has made me feel a certain way for you or do something for you that i don’t actually feel emotionally. i don’t know if i’ve ever really loved properly, the way my parents do or the way i’m sure people feel for me. and i’m sorry. i tried, i really did. i probably could’ve loved you if i’d really understood what i was feeling. but i don’t. all i really know is what i’ve been taught by books, movies, other people, school, etc. i’ve had this revelation of existence and i’m having to relearn everything i thought i knew because i don’t know how to actually feel. it’s all been a lie if i’m being honest, but please don’t blame me. i tried my best, i really did, but i honestly don’t think i’ve ever known what i was doing. everything to me has always been just a little off.

thanks for reading. in conclusion, if you’ve made it this far, i’m taking some time off. not just from blogging but from everything. from blogging friends, group messages, skype calls, etc. i don’t know what i’ll be doing in that time, hopefully attempting at least some form of therapy and trying to get my life together, but other than that i don’t know. so until my undecided return date, farewell. i wish you the best, i truly do, and i can tell you for certain that this isn’t official goodbye. if i decide not to come back at all, i’ll be sure to update so you know, but for now i am saying goodbye.

xxx abby

i’ve been busy

enclosed- a copy of my to-do list for the next week.

SPRING BREAK TO-DO’S:

  • AP book packets finish (shmoop)
  • Organize school stuff (switch up binders and buy pens and stickies)
  • Finish theatre character assignment (youtube)
  • Work on about page for RA
  • A&P packets and coloring page
  • Study for A&P retake
  • Study AP vocab terms and quizlet
  • Buy prom dress
  • Figure out prom group (talk to Devon & Tanner)
  • Set build (text Nathan & Brandon)
  • LAUNDRY!!!
  • Finish Corinthians Bible questions in Google doc
  • Make cookies for Monday
  • Set up debit card and checking account
  • Clean room and bathroom
  • Return library books and pay off debt
  • Movie & fro-yo with Kyla (schedule)
  • Write a post? (ha. you wish)
  • RSVP for Nathan & Hailey’s wedding
  • Change sheets

also- a list of things i’ve done in the past 4 weeks:

  • Rewritten an entire Shakespearean play script (60 pages) in approximately 3.5 days
  • Studied for 6 tests
  • Forgotten to study for 1 test
  • Failed 1 test
  • Signed up for my AP Lit test
  • Met with my school’s counselor to discuss my future (and cried after)
  • Questioned my major 18 bajillion times
  • Researched 6 different colleges
  • Spent 3 hours every day in rehearsal for the Tempest
  • Sent passive-aggressive “get your ass to rehearsal” texts to 6 different people
  • Been asked to prom
  • Spent an entire weekend at my sister’s softball tournament
  • Went to a Panic! At The Disco concert
  • Spent $35 on a P!ATD tee shirt (no regrets)
  • Forgotten to do laundry for 3 weeks
  • Redesigned this blog’s format and changed the URL (shameless self-promo: if you haven’t seen my actual site since this happened, go check it out because I’m super proud)
  • Taken my SAT (I cried after this too)
  • Bought new jeans and cried (yes, again)
  • Researched yoga studios in my city for the 16th time
  • Had the bottom of my notebook fall out and been forced to reorganize all my papers
  • Forgotten to eat at least once a day
  • Spent my lunch finishing homework due the next period at least 3 times a week
  • Stayed up until 12 am 4 nights straight
  • Cried (yes more) just because
  • Slowly learned to drink my coffee with less sugar
  • Said “oh I’m fine, don’t worry” more times than I can count
  • Really, really, really needed this break

so now you know where i’ve been and where i’ll be for the next few weeks. if i get the time to post, i will, but odds are i won’t (just being honest). the last few months of the school year are absolutely insane for me, and i’m mostly just stressed out trying to get everything done for the play. last year i had enough time to post during the school year because i had a study hall where i would write, but this year i have a class every single period of the day and therefore no time to work on or read anything. so my apologies, but i won’t be around doing things and writing and interacting until at least may. don’t worry, i still love blogging and all my followers and friends, i just need to reprioritize for the next few months. anyways, i’m off to go do some laundry… see you later ♡

xxx abby

spontaneous blog construction and rambling

IF YOU’RE NEW HERE PLEASE DON’T JUDGE ME BASED ON THIS POST OKAY

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for the next week or so, this blog will be under a complete rehaul construction-y stuff. i probably won’t post for that time but i’m going to be redesigning the theme, my about page, my categories, tags, topics, etc, and…

i’m really sorry dudes…

i’m changing my domain again.

i knowwww i knowwww i’m really sorry, i suck at choosing a blog name!

every time i come up with something i’m just so fickle about it and never satisfied (cue “satisfied” from the hamilton soundtrack). i thought “realism and cookies” was it, but i just don’t like it ahhhhh. i want to use my name, mostly because (wait for it) i want to start expanding out into youtube videos.

is that a good idea? i dunno

am i doing it anyway? well… maybe

so here’s my choices dudes:

  • xoxabby.wordpress.com
  • abbyrambles.wordpress.com
  • ????
  • i got nothing else

SEND ME YOUR IDEAS PEOPLE I NEED THEM

(also i really like “abby rambles” or some variation of that so if you have another way of wording it please fucking tell me oh my god i’ve been staring at those two words for way too long send help)

anyways… it’s been way too long since i last revamped, and that was a very half-hearted revamp last time in the first place (my about page has literally been “i don’t fucking know” for like three months… it’s time for a change my dudes)

also i tried using capital letters, i really did. i can’t do it, people! i promise i’ll write my “intelligent” posts using them, and i already use proper grammar and shit but when i’m in charge… it’s all lowercase, all the time. mwahahahaha.

but anyway, to sum up:

  • shit is changing
  • it’s gonna be cool
  • don’t worry you’ll still be following me even when i change my domain
  • i’m not using capital letters anymore so fuck you
  • CONTENT! yayyyy
  • that’s it

(i’m sorry this was such a brain spasm of a post but it’s fine… it’s all good. i have some actually intelligent stuff planned for soon, so give me like two weeks and you can have that. okay? okay good. k bye)

xxx abby

 

february playlist

january.jpgonce again, ladies and gentlemen, the songs i’ve had on repeat for the past month of february.

crazy little thing called love // queen

absolutely smitten // dodie

no duh // k flay

get it right // k flay

never met you // tom law

heart out // the 1975

m.o.n.e.y. // the 1975

here // alessia cara

96,000 // in the heights original broadway cast

take me or leave me // cast of the motion picture rent

make me cry // steffan argus

i feel it coming // the weeknd

rebel girl // dog party

bad reputation // joan jett and the blackhearts

fake love // drake

(yes i know, that last one was a surprise to me too, but it’s been on the radio a lot and i found it quite catchy). i’ve found these posts easier to do than normal “favorites posts” since i don’t use enough stuff on a regular basis to actually do favorite products, clothes, etc. as always, you can find me on spotify @-abigailmarie- (the link isn’t working for some reason right now and i’m too lazy to try and fix it so you can just search me it’s whatever). anyways, short post for today, but yay content, and i’ll be back at some point probably. see you soon!

xxx abby

presidents’ day sale haul // gap, kohls, & ulta

Hello all! Woah I have not done one of these for a long long time, but they generally seem to go over pretty well and it’s about time i changed up some of my content. It’s been pretty emo up in here for the past while hasn’t it? But anyways, here in the good ol’ USA we have a holiday called President’s day, which stores like to take advantage of a lot and of course, have sales. Which I’m honestly not complaining about because, I mean, sales. I know I generally don’t seem like the shopping lover type in my general personality, especially since my style is very comfort based and I never get hugely into current trends and styles and just stick with what I like. But this is not really the post to be talking about my style sense… maybe another time (hint hint). But I actually really love shopping, especially for clothes, and on the days you just go and go and go from store to store until you drop. Yes, I actually genuinely enjoy “shopping until I drop”. Anyways, I was in a very productive mood over the four day weekend I had for the holiday and my mom suggested we go out shopping and run some errands. I had a few things I’ve been wanting to pick up so I went along, but I DID NOT expect to get as much as I did. However, I don’t regret any of it because none of it was really an impulse buy, everything I picked up was something I’ve either been eyeing or needing for awhile. Also, shoutout to my mom first of all for having a cool camera and second for letting me borrow it. You’re the best.

First off, we stopped by GAP (is there GAP in the UK? I don’t know… if there isn’t you guys are really missing out). I’ve been working my way from the jeans I own being entirely American Eagle to being mainly GAP and a few others. I could sit and rant about American Eagle for awhile but now is not the post for that. They were having a 50% off sale for all jeans, so I got three pairs. My all-time favorite pair of American Eagle jeans, which I bought 3 years ago before they stopped making actual jeans, RIPPED on the inside of my thigh, and my others are much too tight, but I’ve been putting off buying new ones for way too long. Side note: I couldn’t find any of these on the website otherwise I would link them.

Dark wash, high rise legging jean

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Black legging jean
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Medium wash, slightly beat up legging jean

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Teal XL, loose sweater

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The GAP in my area is in a mall type place thingy with an Ulta in it, so that’s where I convinced my mom to stop by next (she hates makeup shopping anywhere not online). They weren’t actually having any sort of sale, it was just nearby and I needed to pick up a few things. I also may have ended up finding my new favorite makeup brand… as well as fueling my hippiness through it.

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Soap & Glory Supercat liquid eyeliner

NYX Shine Killer primer

Pacifica Alight BB cream

At some point I’ll do a separate post talking about how I use these on an everyday basis, and like an updated kind of “everyday school makeup” thing, but for now just know that I frigging love the Supercat eyeliner, and I also basically want to buy out Pacifica because their products are ahmazing. The whole brand is vegan, cruelty free, and all-natural, and the hippie in me (which has been coming to light quite a bit lately) is so incredibly happy with everything about their brand.

And last, but certainly not least, we made a, admittedly 3 hour long, stop at Kohl’s. I love Kohl’s so freaking much honestly, it’s such nice stuff for so cheap. Of course, because it’s cheap, I always think that means I can buy all of the things and pay none of the money… but that’s definitely wrong. I have become quite skilled at browsing through their clearance racks to find the non-cheesy, cool clothes I’ll actually wear. It’s an acquired skill, and one I know quite well if I do say so myself *hair flip*.

Oversized chambray shirt

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Cactus embroidered ringer tee

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Paint splotch jeans

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Black lace cold shoulder top

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Red sweater leggings

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Denim button-up shirt dress

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Purple flowered swing dress

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So there ya go dudes, that’s what I did this weekend. I know I haven’t posted in awhile but I mean… I came back to you with this, a post I actually put effort into, so… Anyways much love, and I’ll be back whenever.

xxx Abby

gotta get it right (meditation is cool and i’m a hot mess)

hi.

i’m sad.

is that a bad thing? i don’t think so. it’s never really been a bad thing for me, at least as long as i get over it and deal with it and do something with my life eventually. it’s alright to be sad as long as it’s not for long, i think. at least for me.

no no no wait, i’m not sad.

i am melancholy. yeah, that’s better.

if you even care about my life and my activity in the community you may have noticed that i just haven’t been around lately. i can’t really say sorry about that because i haven’t acknowledged to myself that i even am sorry about not being around, i’m just kinda not here.

i don’t have any motivation.

i can’t even say “i don’t have any motivation anymore“, which is what i almost wrote, because for the past few years or so i don’t think i’ve even had any personal motivation. honestly, i kinda suck as a human being. i don’t leave my house, if i’m alone in my room all i do is watch endless amounts of youtube videos rather than doing anything productive, and i’ve been getting straight b’s (and the occasional c or a) on my recent assignments.

if you knew me years ago when i used to do things and have straight a’s (so like mid-sophomore year and before), you know that’s… not me.

so.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

seriously, if you have any idea please tell me because i’m screwed over and i don’t know how to *fix* it.

i want to be healthy and active and involved in some sort of fitness. i want to balance my school work and follow what’s on my planner. i want to write good blog posts and be active in the community and raise my presence. i want to hang out with people and do things outside of rehearsal and classes. i want to have my own developed sense of style and a basic idea of how to do makeup. i want to have time to write my own things and work on projects. i want better relationships and good conversations with people i love. i want more time for things i love. i want to tell people how i really feel about them and have the self confidence to tell some of my “friends” (among others) to go screw themselves.

how in the world do people just have their lives together.

god who knows, certainly not me. i am a knotted up wad of stress yarn (don’t even ask about the metaphor, i made it up awhile ago and i don’t feel the need to explain it at the current moment) with irregular periods and a dog for a best friend.

i was recently asked “wait, why are you so anxious just all the time? like how is that physically possible?”. and to be completely honest, i have no idea. i’ve just adapted to it.

you know those little things in life, like a bruise in a specific spot or a knob you have to jiggle *just right* to make work? the things you just kinda get used to, and then someone comes along and questions you like “you live like this?” and at that point you’d gotten so used to it you had forgotten you ever lived differently? yeah my life is just one huge jumble of a bajillion of those little things.

i don’t even know anymore. maybe i’m just listening to too much 1975 and being emo lately but my life just doesn’t seem to make sense anymore.

i need to self search or something. what’s mediation like, anyone who does it? can you help me out? i feel like if you meditate, you have your life figured out. so if you meditate, please help me. that’d be nice thanks.

i know sometimes i seem like i have my life together and i’m cute clothes and nice words and wear mascara most days like a normal person but at this point in my life i’m just so used to holding it together i can’t even remember what in my life is real and what isn’t. i feel like my life is being held together entirely by a rubber band and some ticky tack and a paper clip. and that rubber band is about to fucking snap.

a hot mess. that’s what i am. i am the dictionary definition of a hot mess. except that i’m not hot so i’m literally just a mess.

wow.

what a life.

yeah i don’t fucking know what this was okay? just, whatever. i don’t know.

also there is no correlation between this being written the day before valentine’s day and the topic, okay? if there’s one thing i’m actually okay with in my life at the moment it’s my relationship status. for once in my life, i’m happy with being single. of all the things i can’t seem to figure out right now, this is the one thing i’m literally at the point in my life where i just know being in a relationship would not really go well right now. so yeah. just in case you were like “well it’s valentine’s day that explains why abby is being emo, she’s sad she doesn’t have a date”. most of the time, you would be right. but this time? no. (at least as far as i’ve convinced myself).

i think this is going to be the semi-beginning of a series of just self-reflective posts in which i talk about being a mess and attempt to slowly rise from the mess and shape myself into a decent, functioning human being. yeah, let’s do that. also some of those may come in the form of voice recordings because i like talking to myself in the car k thanks.

bye.

(end note: the title of this song and the subject of this post is the hook lyric from k. flay’s song get it right which i’ve been reflecting on heavily lately. give it a listen. it’s fucked up, and it makes so many good points that have hit me so hard lately and i love it. just her in general yeah, go look up her stuff. yeah. do that.)

january playlist

januaryhere are the songs i’ve been just a little too obsessed with this past month:

la vie boheme // the rent original broadway cast

harry dean // swmrs

closer // the chainsmokers ft halsey

suffragette city // david bowie

immigrants (we get the job done) // from the hamilton mixtape

london calling // the clash

i want to grow up // colleen green

starshine // stevie nicks

tennessee //  meg myers ft dr rosen rosen

fml // k. flay

can’t sleep // k. flay

i walk the line // halsey

carrying the banner // newsies original broadway cast

congratulations // dessa (from the hamilton mixtape)

in the heights // in the heights original broadway cast

and there you have it. short post for today but something i’ve been thinking to start doing once a month since i love music more than most things and love giving recommendations to people. also, here is the link to this month’s spotify playlist so that you can check them out all together: january playlist

xxx abby