stress & exciting things

i’m in a mood.

i get these sometimes, one of those weeks when you become just extremely self aware and awkward and just gahhhh. it’s not a bad mood, it wasn’t a bad week, it was just a kind of strange and then happy and then awkward and then stressful and a lot of other things.

i’m one of those people who can’t. do. emotions. helloooo, intp here, i can’t do the feeling or the understanding or the really anything that has to do with emotions of any sort. i deal with emotions the way i handle any logical problem- focus on the big issue and work outward, one problem at a time. i can sort through those things easily because i know how to isolate the problem and fix it. and that’s not exactly how emotions work. emotions… well emotions to me are like a huge pile of laundry (bear with me here). it’s messy. it’s colorful (well, maybe for most people. my laundry is generally all black…), and it looks like a huge issue that will be pretty difficult to deal with. in reality, laundry is pretty easy to deal with. shirts go on hangers, jeans are folded on the shelves, pajamas folded in pairs in the dresser… everything has a place and if you put it in its place it all fits and stores properly. if you’re me, well, laundry goes on the floor because you don’t feel the need to deal with it at the moment because you have bigger issues like anatomy homework and it’s not that difficult to sort through the stack of things on the floor to find the jeans you want. but if you let it pile up too long (like i tend to), it becomes more and more difficult and time consuming and, well, hazardous, to sort through and put in order. so you procrastinate. you put off sorting and washing the laundry until the last possible moment, and even then the only reason you do it is because you don’t actually have anymore clothes to wear to school so you spend the weekend completely on laundry because it’s become such an issue. that is exactly how i deal with emotions, feelings, etc. bottle it up thinking it’s fine, everything’s fine, and then just kinda gaaaaaahhhh all over the place and let it all out at once.

so that’s what this week has been. not bad. not good. but nothing in between either. just kinda… blah. i’ve been slowly learning to sort out my emotions properly, which also involves getting stress and such out of the way so i can deal with everything one issue at a time.

for another few updates, i have some exciting news featuring… my best friend, kyla!

*drumroll*

ahem.

kyla and i have, after about approximately, er, one night of discussion and a few years of really wanting to do something like this together, decided to start a book blog! this is something i’m very very excited for because i’m maybe sort of obsessed with books and ya lit and such things, so this is something i’ve wanted to do for a long time. i will be revealing the url as soon as the first post goes up, for now we are currently in the process of editing, creating accounts, organizing, formatting, etc. so there’s nothing really worthwhile to see at the moment. but i promise that as soon as the first post goes up, i’ll talk more about it!

in other news (since i’ve been such an absent mofo lately)…

  • someone asked me to homecoming?! gah what??? they’re a theatre friend and i’m very excited but also kinda sad cause this means i’m not going with friends like i usually do. but we’re trying to get a group together and so far one of my other guy friends from theatre has said he’ll join us so it’ll be fun even if i have to awkward my way through the night. it was really sweet how he asked me though and i’m still sort of kinda trying to figure out whether he asked me as a friend or not because that’s what i thought at first and i’m sort of noticing a few things that are making me think there’s something more there. but considering my history with this sort of thing, i’m sticking with friends until i get practically a sign from god that there’s more than a friendship here. i can’t read people, so if you’re ever trying to hint at something to me, just tell me outright. like honestly, you could make it painfully obvious that you like me for years and years and until you come up to me and outright say “i really like you” i would not be able to tell. i don’t do the emotions, the feelings, the reading people, anything like that. nope, can’t do it. it’s just an intp thing.
  • my parents… bought a house??? it’s an investment property, something my family has been talking about doing for awhile now but it actually happened and, just, what? but anyway, that means i won’t have to get a job because they’re going to be renting it out over airbnb and paying me to do a bunch of stuff for them to get the house organized and stuff in between guests. so yeah, that happened.
  • my dog is sick and hacking all over the place and wheezing constantly and we have no clue what’s wrong but it’s kind of freaking me out so updates will come if anything awful happens. praying nothing does and it’s just a bad cold or kennel cough or something though.

that’s all for today. sorry i haven’t been active lately but a lot of things are happening and i genuinely just don’t have time to write. which makes me really sad but it’s life so oh well. i just have to figure out how to sort it all out and make time. anyways, i love you guys and i swear i’m not neglecting you on purpose. i’ll be back soon enough. muah.

xxx abi

 

some really good things

oh hey look abi wrote a thing!

hullo friends and welcome back to the break that is not a break. so most of the reason i’m calling it the break that is not a break is because i don’t want to stop posting, most of the time just don’t have time to sit down and write up a post. calling it by this name relieves the pressure of having posts up on schedule, while still giving me the freedom to post when i feel like and what i feel like. anyways, today wasn’t amazing, but it also wasn’t awful, and i have some free time on my hands so i thought i’d work on something. it’s not a favorites post, but it’s things i like, so i guess i’ll just call it a list of “things that cheer me up”. and now after that long ass intro, on to the list! (also, another side note: i should be writing an essay right now for my ap lit & comp class but because i am the way i am i’m writing this instead so i hope you like my failing grade and this list of things i’ll be thinking about to cheer me up after i get my failing grade. update: i ended up finishing this essay on time and turning it in and getting an ‘a’ so that worked out.)

  • random phone coincidences like if the time is 11:00 and my phone’s battery is at 11%. also, anytime my phone’s battery hits 69%. i feel like that would cheer anyone up.
  • the song “crazy little thing called love”. i listen to so much old music, and every time this song comes on i just want to do the snoopy happy dance all over my room. it’s like an instant abi battery charger.
  • when the sonic employee puts two cherries in the bottom of my cherry limeade. yaaaaassss those people are my favorite, they know what’s up. one time the person who was working the sonic i was at was this really attractive teenage guy and i was like “i hope you’re the one who put the two cherries in my drink i would like to marry you now please if that’s okay”. i didn’t actually say that because i’m awkward but i would’ve if i weren’t.
  • stevie nicks’ music. it’s not particularly happy sounding at all but stevie nicks is my life goals and i just freaking love her so much. a picture of her and the words “just be stevie nicks” is my phone lock screen that’s how much i love her.
  • the fact that 90’s style grunge is coming back in style so i don’t have to search for clothes that fit my style.
  • that meme where people replace song lyrics with weird phrases. Screen Shot 2016-09-10 at 10.43.22 PM.pngScreen Shot 2016-09-10 at 10.43.53 PM.png
  • the fact that as of last week i have the entirety of bohemian rhapsody memorized. it’s been a few years since our treasure island cast used to break the set while listening to it after every performance but last week it came on the radio and i realized that i’d memorized it because of that and the suicide squad soundtrack renewed my memory.
  • whenever i get to straighten my hair and it doesn’t look like crap, because my hair is gigantic and the only way to tame the volume is to straighten it.
  • candles. and anything mango scented. mangooooooes.
  • whenever i meet someone who despises pumpkin season as much as i do. it’s a fucking gourd, it does not taste the way you think it does. it should not be a flavor, it’s disgusting, and pumpkin spice lattes are 90% spice, 5% whatever a latte is, 5% fake pumpkin. rant over but pumpkin season is awful and i just hate pumpkins.
  • getting my eyeliner just the right amount of smudgy but not messy within two minutes in the morning so i’m not late for school, a talent i’ve recently perfected.
  • female. classic. rock. icons. i’ll have to write a full on post about this sometime but people like stevie nicks (my queeeeeen), joan jett, patti smith, pat benatar, ann & nancy wilson, janis joplin, etc. are my life goals and i just want to become one of them so badly i just gahhhhhh.
  • translating random phrases in my french book on google translate just to see what random words they’ve put into it to see if we’ll catch on because our french books are shit. (most recent random sentence that means nothing: sand mounds, smell iodine and ocean, sea gulls. wtf kind of sentence is that???)
  • black. nail. polish. yas.
  • the line in billy joel’s we didn’t start the fire that says “british politician sex”. i don’t know why but it makes me laugh every time i hear it, i think just the way it’s worded is weird and thus funny to me.
  • dancing around my room manically to classic rock and fifties rock n roll because this is my life now.
  • snuggling with my dog at night even though when i’m about to fall asleep she likes to decide she’s done spooning and make her way across my stomach to get to her pillow, knocking the breath out of me and waking me up in the process.
  • cardigans and layering season and getting packages of clothes in the mail and oversized sweater season and my new “hiking socks” that are comfy af but will never once be used to hike in because this is me we’re talking about here.

that’s pretty much all for today, but it’s been a pretty good week since my last post so i thought i should post something cheerier for once. also, i got a bunch of clothes in the mail from american eagle so expect a haul coming soon for sure, i’m very excited about all of it and i haven’t done a style post in awhile so yay. anyways! i’ll be back soon enough and until then have a great rest of your week!

xxx abi

honourable mention for things that make me happy: if you’ve ever had the distinct pleasure of skyping or just really talking to sav at all, he’s kind of fabulous and been an amazing friend recently, so i thought it would be nice to give him a shout out. love you, savvy, you’re amazing ❤️  anyways enough with the sappiness, go about your business.

i’m not okay // please read

remember a little while ago when i wrote something about how my mental health has improved immensely over the summer, but how i thought that once school started again it would all go to shit again? well it’s happening. prepare to hear my guts spilled at you all. if you’re not following me to hear about this sort of shit, just scroll to the last couple paragraphs so you know why i’m writing this.

i shouldn’t complain, a lot of people have it worse than me but fuck, sometimes worse isn’t always worse. and maybe i’m just over exaggerating but i’m writing this on my bathroom floor to get away from my family and trying to hold back tears or screaming or whatever wants to get out and i don’t know what to do.

i’m failing anatomy. i have a missing assignment and i told the teacher that i don’t know where it went but i know exactly where it’s at and i just don’t have the motivation to bring my anatomy book home and work on it and turn it in, so i’m getting a 58 in that class. i’ve never had a 58 in my life, not even temporarily. if i were playing a sport, i wouldn’t be able to compete. i’m not, but i’ve never been in danger of that before.

i’m taking ap lit & comp this year and i’m absolutely terrified. i’m scared that i’m not a good enough writer to do what i want in life and i’m scared to let my teacher read my essays because i’ve always gotten a’s in english but i’m worried they’re not enough for ap level english and i’ll completely fail and have to change my life goals so i don’t disappoint myself. i’ve only turned one in, but i’ve written three, and i’m just too scared to turn it in.

i got an 82 on my first algebra 2 test, one of the worst grades i’ve ever made on a test. i’m barely passing an a in my world history class. i have a high b in french. i’m failing anatomy. my english grades are littered with red “incomplete”‘s. this is the absolute worst i’ve ever done in school in my life, and i swore this year would be different. the only class i feel even close to confident in is my theatre class and i’m still absolutely terrified to be in this production because what if i’m not good enough.

i think that’s my worst fear, not being good enough. it’s haunted me for long enough and i don’t think i can make it much longer if i keep thinking this way. i overthink too much, i always have, but i don’t know how not to. my mom suggested a therapist out of the blue the other day, just to help me “get a handle on things for the school year” and i thought i’d be okay so i turned her down. i’ve been to my sister’s therapist before, once, and she was a christian and i hated it because i don’t want bible verses i want help. i’m a christian, yeah, but sometimes the bible can’t help me. oooo blasphemy i know, sorry, but a therapist’s job is to help me work through my problems out loud and help me understand what i’m feeling, not send me to the word of god and say “this’ll help” when it doesn’t. so i never went again and she’s the one she’d send me to so i don’t want to go this time.

my dad.

i don’t even know what to say about my dad.

he has some issues. let’s put it that way.

he has some issues and he’s been taking them out on my sister and my mom and i. he’s not abusive, not as far as i’d define it, but he’ll have a bad day at work and come home and if the tv’s on he flips out. today, what sent me over the edge, he just threw a huge fit about it. this morning on the way to school (because my car is in the shop so he’s taking us) he made a really sexist, uncalled for comment about a friend of mine, just without thinking about it i’m sure, and it felt like a punch to the gut. i didn’t know what to say in response so i just went silent and he told me i was being a brat and to cut out the silent treatment. the worst thing about it is when he does this, he brings my sister into it and she’ll say something like ” come on abi it was just a joke” and then he’ll say “oh don’t worry she’s just being a little feminist, let her have her moment” and be so mean to me. sisters are supposed to be loyal to each other, not let their dads tease them like a crude older brother. anyway, i went home and my dad wasn’t there so my mom took my sister to softball, i did my homework, and when my mom got home we made dinner together. while we were making it, we got a little nostalgic about gilmore girls since the new episodes are coming out in november so we decided to eat and watch one before my sister got home (my dad was picking her up on his way). we hadn’t even finished it and my dad got home, got mad at me again for storming out on him this morning when i had completely forgotten about it, then dragged my mom into it. when she told him to work it out with me on our own, he stormed out to his office and slammed the door and then yelled at us to “turn the damn tv off! i’m sick and tired of it being on every night all night” (let me remind you this was the first thing we’d watched that night and it was only half way over). i think my mom’s afraid of him, or for me and my sister. i don’t know what to do but i’m sick and tired of being scared of him. i hate talking about him this way since i’m his carbon copy and i love him with all my heart and i wouldn’t be the person i am today without him, but he’s going through some things and it’s ruining the rest of my family’s relationship with him and i’m scared of him and i’ve never been that way before.

recently i learned something about my family history that i hadn’t before.

as some of you may know, the reason i love butterflies is deeply tied to my paternal grandfather, who died a few months after i turned eight. i’ve never had a grandpa in my life before, my maternal grandpa died when i was about eleven or twelve-ish, but he’d had dementia since i was three so a visit to the nursing home once every few months was the most i saw him for years. a few years ago i found out he wasn’t my blood grandpa, and that my mom’s real dad was still alive and living a few cities away. i’ve never before met him and according to my mom, he doesn’t want a relationship with her or my sister or i because my mom and he always had a rocky relationship.

i always related to my paternal grandpa more and i think it was just because i have more good memories associated with him. up until just a few weeks ago, i was under the impression he’d died of an unknown health complication and never given the details. at my uncle’s wedding in july, i overheard my cousin and mom talking about him and how he died so i asked my mom about it a few weeks ago. i don’t like talking about this sort of thing on here but today is a tell all spill my guts i feel like crap post day so here you go. my grandpa was on medication to keep him in remission for minor cancer. doctor screwed up, gave him medication that made him suicidally depressed. my grandpa killed himself.

i was eight, and my parents made the executive decision not to tell my sister or i because we wouldn’t understand, which i completely respect. but it hit me like a punch to the gut when i found out and my mental happiness has gone to shit since i found out.

i don’t feel comfortable in my house anymore. my parents treat me like a little kid, they keep putting more and more restrictions on me to the point at which i just want out. even when i feel like i’m doing really well and had a good day, not procrastinating, cooking, getting everything done when i need to, my dad freaks out on me for the littlest things. i like someone and i think they might ask me to homecoming (not counting my chickens though, i’ve learned that the hard way), but i don’t want even a hint of a relationship because i don’t want to have to explain it to my family. the rule was, i can date when i’m sixteen, and i’m sixteen now, but sometimes i’ll know and remember a rule like that and when it becomes relevant my parents change it.

i just hate life sometimes. i’m really sorry for burying you all in this, but i needed to get some things off my chest. i’ve been overthinking so much lately and i feel awful but on multiple occasions this past week or so i’ve given bad advice that caused the other person pain or harm. my decision making skills are compromised. not in the “whoops i’m pregnant” sort of bad decision making way. more like “whoops i didn’t even think about it and i think i insulted that person” or “instead of studying for this test why don’t i just take a really long shower and go to bed”, which isn’t necessarily bad just not great. i always try to be the advice giving friend and the one you can always, always talk to if you need to, and i just feel like i’m failing horribly at it lately. i think it’s because i’m so stressed and anxious and getting horribly depressed recently but i’m sorry, i don’t think i can do that as much as i have been, at least for the foreseeable future. i’m not saying i’m abandoning my friends or stopping posting, but i just need some time to myself to think and figure out my life. i put a smile on my face in the morning and make it last as long as i can but it doesn’t usually make it the whole day. earlier today someone sent me a snapchat, completely out of context, that said “take care of yourself”and i think that’s what inspired me to tell you all this. they didn’t know what was going on because i always try to have my “everything is fine” face on when i’m talking to them, but that’s really what i needed to hear just then, so thank you if you’re reading this. i’m taking a break that isn’t a break, just to take care of my mental health and remove another stressor i told myself i could keep up with when i started school. i’ll post when i can, but it won’t be my ordinary sort of thing.

i’ve been spending as much time as i can in my bed with my dog, just writing or doing homework or reading. if i spend too much time in my room my dad yells at me and tells me being antisocial will get me no where, so i try not to be in there that much when he’s around. i don’t have any other way to avoid him though, so i just busy myself and do what i can.

i haven’t written everything here that’s been getting my down lately, but that would take another 2,000 words  at the very least and i don’t have time for that. i haven’t taken the time recently to thank all of you, my followers, but you’re all beautiful human beings and i greatly appreciate your existence *internet hug*.

until the next time,

xxx abi

august favorites

phew got this one up just in time. hullo all, and as you can see i’m having a bit of a hard time keeping up with regular posts but this will hopefully not be the last post this week, i really am trying. anyways, i don’t have much for you all today but i do have a few things i’ve been loving this past month (and a bit of july since i didn’t have one for last month).

 

spotify discover weekly playlist

i honestly have no clue why i hadn’t been listening to my discover playlists before but maybe i just never really got around to it. anyways, over july and august i’ve been actually following mine and listening to them each week and getting really excited every monday when i get new songs. i love pretty much everything picked for mine each week, with the exception of maybe two or three songs a little out there for my taste, but i’d definitely recommend trying yours out if you don’t usually listen to it.

“perfect” cardigan // kohls

i’m not sure what specific brand this is from but i bought it at kohl’s and i’m like 75% sure it’s the so brand. anyways, i’m borderline addicted to cardigans, i lost count of how many i own but it’s a lot. i wear one with basically everything, and one of my theatre friends finds the sheer amount of cardigans i own hilarious and always says “nice cardigan abi” and raises her eyebrows at me whenever i’m wearing one (so like every day). anyways, i didn’t have a nice black cardigan before now (i know, i know, abi didn’t have a black cardigan what a surprise) and i love the style of this one because it’s loose and really cute and warm but not boxy so i want one in every color now. i’m sorry for my international readers who don’t have kohl’s (you’re missing out, really) but you might be able to find these somewhere else. i also bought one of their “perfect” pullovers, and while i haven’t had the chance to wear it yet it is very soft.

benadryl itch stopping creme 

so as i talked about a bit a few posts back, the reason i didn’t have a july favorites was because i wasn’t really around much to use things and have favorites, i was traveling quite a bit. a week of that was my week at summer camp, when the lovely mosquitoes were out in full play. i’ve been using this itch stopping whatever stuff for a few years now because it’s the only thing i’ve ever used that actually stops the itching. i also leant it to a few of my cabin mates who’d also been practically eaten alive that week and they were really happy with it as well. so it wasn’t just me it worked on, i promise that. although my sister claims that it makes her itch more, but she’s also crazy, so i guess to each his own.

sonic cherry limeade

my little sis and i have been going to sonic after school once or twice a week this past three weeks of school and i’ve been obsessed with their cherry limeades. this isn’t new, not at all, i’ve been obsessed with them for years now, but i thought i’d mention them here so you all know how beautiful they are. i really don’t think they have sonics outside of the us but they’re “america’s #1 drink stop!” so if you ever get the chance, try out their slushes and / or limeades. you even get a maraschino cherry at the bottom of the drink if you order something cherry flavored so that’s a bonus.

trader joe’s mango honey shave cream 

i nick myself every. single. time. i. shave. it’s inevitable and awful and i honestly don’t know how to prevent it. even though i still nick myself when i use this stuff, it makes my skin feel really soft and smells like mangoes and is super cheap so i’d definitely recommend it. because mangoes. that’s all you really have to put on a bottle to get me to buy it to be completely honest but it’s still amazing.

fangirl // rainbow rowell

how in the world have i never talked to you guys about this book? okay, here you go. first of all, i don’t have favorite books. it’s impossible for me to have an absolute favorite, but i do have go-to favorite books for when people ask me what my favorite book is. this book is that one at the current moment and for the foreseeable future. if you haven’t read it, do, and soon, and then tell me what you think (comment also if you’ve read it and want to fangirl about it with me). the point is… read it. that is all.

well, i think that’s about it! and oh hey would ya look at that… under 1,000 words?! i’m getting so much better about not rambling i hope you’re all proud of me and also happy because you don’t have to read 2,000 word posts anymore. you’re welcome. a few tiny life updates before i bid you adieu:

  • auditions for peter / wendy are today and tomorrow please pray for me to not fuck it up and to get the role i want or my second choice at least. i’ll find out hopefully next week so fingers crossed!
  • no report on the romance front, but at this point i’m honestly just really hoping someone asks me to homecoming for once in my life. maybe.
  • i think i failed my anatomy quiz so pray that i either did better than i thought or got a c so that i can retake it and do better now that i know what to study for.
  • school sucks. that is all.

i apologize for the lack of pictures, but i haven’t had time to actually sit down and take them. hopefully the descriptions of everything are enough.

xxx abi

(999 words, suck it!)