i’ve been listening to a lot of david bowie lately, okay? anyways, no long intro today, i just want to talk about some things i’ve been thinking a lot about lately.
the first is my name. as you probably know seeing as i’ve mentioned it multiple times, my real name is abby. i spell it the way i do on here because i’ve never liked my birth name. it’s an insecurity i’ve dealt with for a long time now, starting mainly in eighth grade when i rode the bus with a group of guys i thought i could be friends with. one day on that bus, one of them informed me that “abby” sounded like a little kid’s name. “oh yeah, or like, a stripper name hahaha”. there was a lot of crying that day once i got off the bus, but they’ll probably never realize that from that point forward i despised my name. i’ve always hated my last name too, it’s four syllables, norwegian (just google norwegian last names and you probably won’t see mine, but you’ll understand what i mean), and seemingly unpronounceable. never mind the fact that it’s said the same way it’s spelled, every school year is a struggle. anyways, over the past few years i’ve tried multiple different variations of my name- abigail, abi, etc. but i don’t see myself as these people anymore. i don’t want to hide behind this sort-of pseudonym anymore, i don’t like it. i don’t want to be unhappy with my name anymore, explaining to teachers every year why my name isn’t spelled the way it is on their roll sheet or why i write ‘abigail’ on my assignments. it’s only the beginning of december, but i want my new year’s resolution to be “be joyful”. and i don’t think i can be truly joyful in christ and in myself if i’m not really me. which leads me to the next few things i think i’ll be changing.
when i started this blog, close to a year ago, i was a very different person. i wasn’t happy with myself, i was depressed, i was trying to be someone i wasn’t, and i had a lot of insecurities i was trying to cover up and convince myself didn’t matter. i don’t want to be the punk butterfly anymore because it doesn’t express the person i am trying to become, it expresses the person i was trying to hide behind last year. it’s time for some changes.
over christmas break, a lot is going to happen. i’m planning on changing my site address, i have a few ideas as to what it will be to but for now it’ll stay the same. i think i’m going to start using capital letters, and going by abby. posts will be the same / similar, and probably (hopefully) scheduled. everything will be different except my content, don’t worry there. if anything, i’m planning to improve my content and hopefully add a little more variety to them- music, style, book reviews, etc. everything i wanted to write when i first started this blog. it’s like a fresh start, but i won’t be restarting- just rearranging.
this is really important to me. i don’t think i can begin to explain how much, this is just something i have to do to move on with my life and attempt to become a better version of myself. a new year, a new blog, a new me. it sounds incredibly cheesy but this is how i have to do it. i’m changing many things in my life, trying to become more organized, write and wear and listen to and do things that make me happy. read my bible more, i want to start water color painting again (betcha didn’t know i used to paint), limit my time doing random crap on the internet. there’s a lot of things i want to do, and if i don’t start now then when?
the bottom line, things are going to change over the next few weeks, but as far as i’m concerned, it’s for the best. over the past year, i’ve changed a lot, and i want this blog to reflect both the changes i’ve undergone and the changes i can open myself up to. as far as i’m aware of, if you’re following me now, you’ll still be following me when i change domains. thanks to all of you who have followed me, who’ve interacted with me, who’ve shaped me as i’ve grown and changed and continued writing here. you’re all fantastic, and i have an incredible amount of love for each and every one of you. i wish i could hug all of you individually for supporting me as i write, and i hope you’ll continue to do so as i make these changes and do my best to grow out of my insecurities and into joy. much love.