is that a bad thing? i don’t think so. it’s never really been a bad thing for me, at least as long as i get over it and deal with it and do something with my life eventually. it’s alright to be sad as long as it’s not for long, i think. at least for me.
no no no wait, i’m not sad.
i am melancholy. yeah, that’s better.
if you even care about my life and my activity in the community you may have noticed that i just haven’t been around lately. i can’t really say sorry about that because i haven’t acknowledged to myself that i even am sorry about not being around, i’m just kinda not here.
i don’t have any motivation.
i can’t even say “i don’t have any motivation anymore“, which is what i almost wrote, because for the past few years or so i don’t think i’ve even had any personal motivation. honestly, i kinda suck as a human being. i don’t leave my house, if i’m alone in my room all i do is watch endless amounts of youtube videos rather than doing anything productive, and i’ve been getting straight b’s (and the occasional c or a) on my recent assignments.
if you knew me years ago when i used to do things and have straight a’s (so like mid-sophomore year and before), you know that’s… not me.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
seriously, if you have any idea please tell me because i’m screwed over and i don’t know how to *fix* it.
i want to be healthy and active and involved in some sort of fitness. i want to balance my school work and follow what’s on my planner. i want to write good blog posts and be active in the community and raise my presence. i want to hang out with people and do things outside of rehearsal and classes. i want to have my own developed sense of style and a basic idea of how to do makeup. i want to have time to write my own things and work on projects. i want better relationships and good conversations with people i love. i want more time for things i love. i want to tell people how i really feel about them and have the self confidence to tell some of my “friends” (among others) to go screw themselves.
how in the world do people just have their lives together.
god who knows, certainly not me. i am a knotted up wad of stress yarn (don’t even ask about the metaphor, i made it up awhile ago and i don’t feel the need to explain it at the current moment) with irregular periods and a dog for a best friend.
i was recently asked “wait, why are you so anxious just all the time? like how is that physically possible?”. and to be completely honest, i have no idea. i’ve just adapted to it.
you know those little things in life, like a bruise in a specific spot or a knob you have to jiggle *just right* to make work? the things you just kinda get used to, and then someone comes along and questions you like “you live like this?” and at that point you’d gotten so used to it you had forgotten you ever lived differently? yeah my life is just one huge jumble of a bajillion of those little things.
i don’t even know anymore. maybe i’m just listening to too much 1975 and being emo lately but my life just doesn’t seem to make sense anymore.
i need to self search or something. what’s mediation like, anyone who does it? can you help me out? i feel like if you meditate, you have your life figured out. so if you meditate, please help me. that’d be nice thanks.
i know sometimes i seem like i have my life together and i’m cute clothes and nice words and wear mascara most days like a normal person but at this point in my life i’m just so used to holding it together i can’t even remember what in my life is real and what isn’t. i feel like my life is being held together entirely by a rubber band and some ticky tack and a paper clip. and that rubber band is about to fucking snap.
a hot mess. that’s what i am. i am the dictionary definition of a hot mess. except that i’m not hot so i’m literally just a mess.
what a life.
yeah i don’t fucking know what this was okay? just, whatever. i don’t know.
also there is no correlation between this being written the day before valentine’s day and the topic, okay? if there’s one thing i’m actually okay with in my life at the moment it’s my relationship status. for once in my life, i’m happy with being single. of all the things i can’t seem to figure out right now, this is the one thing i’m literally at the point in my life where i just know being in a relationship would not really go well right now. so yeah. just in case you were like “well it’s valentine’s day that explains why abby is being emo, she’s sad she doesn’t have a date”. most of the time, you would be right. but this time? no. (at least as far as i’ve convinced myself).
i think this is going to be the semi-beginning of a series of just self-reflective posts in which i talk about being a mess and attempt to slowly rise from the mess and shape myself into a decent, functioning human being. yeah, let’s do that. also some of those may come in the form of voice recordings because i like talking to myself in the car k thanks.
(end note: the title of this song and the subject of this post is the hook lyric from k. flay’s song get it right which i’ve been reflecting on heavily lately. give it a listen. it’s fucked up, and it makes so many good points that have hit me so hard lately and i love it. just her in general yeah, go look up her stuff. yeah. do that.)