the past few days i’ve been searching for the right way to describe what life is like for me currently. lost, depressed, extremely anxious, and adrift all worked pretty well but honestly? i’m just numb.
i went to prom on saturday and everything was fine. i was all dressed up, wearing *gasp* makeup, with my hair curled and a really, really nice dress. one of my good theatre friends, let’s call him dan, had asked me, so i wound up in a group with him, a few other seniors, and my other good theatre friend whom i’ll be referring to as trevor. we were having a blast not gonna lie, even though the waitress spilled water across dan and i’s laps and we wound up in a larger group than we thought would be happening. the senior recognition ceremony was great, the food was delicious, and my theatre friends are ridiculous and hilarious so i wasn’t feeling lonely or having a bad time at all. quite the opposite actually.
so the clock winds around and it hits 11 pm, there are still people there but somewhat less, and dan, trevor, and i all begin to hit our introvert timing and leave the actual dance to go stand outside with our group. there’s talking, laughing, someone’s playing meme videos, and slowly but surely they all begin to realize there’s only an hour left and trickle back inside, leaving dan and i.
at this point in time i wasn’t feeling my best. i was tired, trevor was semi pissing me off, one of his friends (who’d shown up late and joined our group) was being an utter asshole to me as usual, and i didn’t really want to stay much longer but trevor was my ride and i had to wait for him. so dan and i start talking. now dan is an entj, he’s extremely blunt, quick-witted, and profound thinking and has always been far more similar to me than trevor has, although i get along well with both of them. the difference, as can be easily described, is that in a deep conversation, dan will listen and contribute whereas trevor will pull out his phone and pretend emotions don’t exist (which is odd considering he’s an infp).
on saturday night, i admitted more to dan than i’ve ever admitted to myself.
for as long as i can remember, i’ve been a creature of anxiety. as a little kid, i hated new people, i hid inside books and pretended i didn’t have to make friends or socialize. and honestly? nothing much has changed except for the extremity of it.
at this current moment in time, i function in life as a walking, living being of anxiety.
my body, mental health, friendships, etc is in shambles because of this.
i chew my nails beyond the quick and peel even gel nail polish off of them in as short as a day. i don’t get my periods except for once every 3-5 months at the least and most, which is caused by extreme stress and anxiety. i don’t eat sometimes, and not because i don’t like food (because quite the opposite). i don’t sleep the majority of the time and have extreme insomnia. i’ve started to realize that, oh hey! my hair is falling out (yay), and my skin is extremely dry and cracked and unhealthy even though i fucking moisturize kids it’s important. i have an extremely fast heartbeat for someone of my age, and i shake a lot, even when i haven’t had coffee in days. i’ve started breaking out, which for me is actually uncommon, and i have the most extreme and ridiculous mood swings half the time i don’t even know what i think.
i cry a lot guys. i cry in my car, backstage when everyone around is onstage, in my room, in the shower, sometimes with other people (but rarely for the same reason). and rarely do i actually know what i’m crying about, i just cry to cry and get it all out.
i’m an intp. we’re not supposed to be fucking emotional but honest to god you have no idea how deeply i really feel. i feel a lot like a klingon from star trek. if you don’t know anything about the show or the character spock, a klingon is a form of alien race who supposedly don’t feel emotions and rely entirely on logic. but if you truly understand them, you know that the klingon actually do feel emotions. they feel them so strongly that they are taught to suppress them otherwise their entire civilization and every one of their lives would be out of order, chaotic. don’t quote me on that explanation because i’m not a star trek expert i’ve just seen most of the movies but that’s as far as i understand and i think i did a pretty good job of explaining it.
a lot of the time, i feel like a klingon. i feel things so deeply and emotionally that half the time it physically hurts me to actually acknowledge these emotions. i suppress them, push them down, pretend they’re not there and just keep moving on in life, relying on my logic. and it’s fucking tiring.
i’m at the point in my life where i just can’t keep going the way i am.
when i was finished explaining a lot of what i’ve just said above (and more) to dan, he spent a full minute staring at me and holding his face in his hands. when he finally said something, he asked me “how are you still alive? i mean, how do you function like this? it can’t be healthy or natural and yet- this is all you’ve ever known.” and the answer? i don’t know. i don’t fucking know how i’m still alive or how i haven’t yet developed stomach ulcers (as far as i know) or how i’m still functioning well enough. and yet here i am.
for the past 11 years, as far back as i can remember even being the way i am- an anxious wreck- i’ve been just slightly off. there’s something wrong with me and i can’t quite figure out what. i feel like i’ve always been a different version of myself around each person i’ve met, interacted with, been friends with, etc. not even those of you who think you’ve seen the real version of me.
if you’ve interacted with me, if you’ve snapchatted me, skyped me, talked to me at all, i can personally guarantee that the person you were talking to was fully me. it honestly doesn’t matter how close i was to you or the things i’ve told you. i honest to god don’t know what type of person i am. i don’t know. identity has always been something i’ve struggled with, and as far as i’m aware the only thing i know about myself is my personality type. that’s the only thing i truly identify with. i’ve never been fully me or fully aware and conscious of everything i’m doing. i’ve struggled with ocd compulsions and intrusive thoughts, depression, anxiety, etc, etc. i’ve been through ups and downs and i always somehow manage to think that everything is okay. no matter what i go through, i always end up in an “everything is okay right now” phase. i’ve been in one of those phases for the past 6 months or so, being in this community and around these people. but something has always been off.
something is always just slightly off inside of me, and i don’t know how to fix it. i’ve gone through temporary fixes, sure. ups and downs of happiness and depression and happiness again. but no matter how happy i am or how long it lasts, there is always always this anxiety inside of me. it’s like it’s stuck inside of me and throws everything off balance and i don’t know how to behave or act or live as a human being because i’m just constantly, constantly worrying or stressing about something. it’s honestly inhuman.
so when i say i’m numb i mean it. dan asked me a question, a few minutes after he asked me how i was still existing, and i couldn’t answer. “when was the last time you were happy?”. i was thinking to myself, i’m happy a lot! i’m happy backstage, hanging out with friends, reading, being with my dog, texting bloggers, etc…
oh. am i really happy then? is that really happiness? maybe it is when i think about it and try to use it to justify myself as a living, existing being, but when i think back on it and really focus on my emotions, have i ever truly felt anything?
honestly? for the past year or so, i don’t think i’ve felt anything. i’ve been totally and completely numb, tricking my brain into thinking “yes that’s happiness”, “yes that’s sadness”, “yes that’s love”, “yes that’s *insert emotion here*”. but for the past year or so, have i really, honestly been experiencing those emotions? not really.
he also asked me if i could remember a time i’d ever been truly calm but that was pretty easy to answer. no. i don’t think i’ve ever been simply calm.
for the past year or so, i’ve been simply existing. not feeling much, not quite understanding what i’m really trying to accomplish in life or do or feel or say. just existing.
so hi. i’m numb. i’ve been this way for awhile. and i’m truly sorry if my existence this way has made me feel a certain way for you or do something for you that i don’t actually feel emotionally. i don’t know if i’ve ever really loved properly, the way my parents do or the way i’m sure people feel for me. and i’m sorry. i tried, i really did. i probably could’ve loved you if i’d really understood what i was feeling. but i don’t. all i really know is what i’ve been taught by books, movies, other people, school, etc. i’ve had this revelation of existence and i’m having to relearn everything i thought i knew because i don’t know how to actually feel. it’s all been a lie if i’m being honest, but please don’t blame me. i tried my best, i really did, but i honestly don’t think i’ve ever known what i was doing. everything to me has always been just a little off.
thanks for reading. in conclusion, if you’ve made it this far, i’m taking some time off. not just from blogging but from everything. from blogging friends, group messages, skype calls, etc. i don’t know what i’ll be doing in that time, hopefully attempting at least some form of therapy and trying to get my life together, but other than that i don’t know. so until my undecided return date, farewell. i wish you the best, i truly do, and i can tell you for certain that this isn’t official goodbye. if i decide not to come back at all, i’ll be sure to update so you know, but for now i am saying goodbye.